black moon

out, out brief candle, life is but a walking shadow.

ok. ok. so. my fourth day without a cigarette has come to an end. it might seem lame, but to someone who smoked two packs a day on occasion, and always at least one...it's kind of a thing. i miss it, but i don't. i'm really more into werthers originals now. i think that means i'm old. i think that means i have to switch to rye bread. whatever. jenny and i are daring each other to do bikram yoga everyday for 30 days, starting friday. tomorrow morning we're going to the tannnnnning boooooth to get psyched. just because. it's nice to be warm. and to synthesize that vitamin d. winter is coming. i mean, actually....it's here. solstice right now. i'm gonna go ask my pendulum if everything is ok. ok.

never talking to you again

today we had a home visit from new life boxer rescue so we can hopefully adopt this guy. also, it snowed today. gross.

was at karaoke at asylum this one night a few weeks ago and i saw people and wished i knew them. not in that sort of way where you think someone is intriguing and you want to know them way, but like, i wished i really knew them. like, in a way that would make you hate them. but still love them. like. i imagined that asylum was a middle school and we were all at a lock in. the walls looked like lockers. i don't know. i wish there was someone i'd known since birth. there's something special about that, you know, growing up with someone. even if you don't speak anymore, there's some weird understanding there. i've never felt that. i moved around too much. i never see someone and then say "oh man, this one time, when she was young....we like, made home videos of our first attempts at french kissing." or like "when we were younger, we used to sneak into peoples' houses when they were on vacation and smell all their perfumes" i know no one like that. i'm not a common thread in anyone's past. i'm just barely hanging in the present. i'm no one's constant.

this one time, when i still had Facebook...i found a girl i went to school with from 3rd to 6th grade. she begrudgingly came to a birthday party i had once. she only wanted to be friends when no one else was around and once told me we would play a game where she would be mean to me in front of other people and only be nice to me when we were alone. when she wrote, she had a problem forming sentences and words would always run together with out any spaces. itwaskindalikethisbutinhandwriting. her name was amanda mchenry. her mother was a nurse. she lived in a big house and had really thick dark brown hair. she always had the best pencils with the crazy erasers and trapper keepers and hostess cupcake for lunch. i added her as a friend and she sent me a message saying "do i know you? your name kinda rings a bell."