never talking to you again

today we had a home visit from new life boxer rescue so we can hopefully adopt this guy. also, it snowed today. gross.

was at karaoke at asylum this one night a few weeks ago and i saw people and wished i knew them. not in that sort of way where you think someone is intriguing and you want to know them way, but like, i wished i really knew them. like, in a way that would make you hate them. but still love them. like. i imagined that asylum was a middle school and we were all at a lock in. the walls looked like lockers. i don't know. i wish there was someone i'd known since birth. there's something special about that, you know, growing up with someone. even if you don't speak anymore, there's some weird understanding there. i've never felt that. i moved around too much. i never see someone and then say "oh man, this one time, when she was young....we like, made home videos of our first attempts at french kissing." or like "when we were younger, we used to sneak into peoples' houses when they were on vacation and smell all their perfumes" i know no one like that. i'm not a common thread in anyone's past. i'm just barely hanging in the present. i'm no one's constant.

this one time, when i still had Facebook...i found a girl i went to school with from 3rd to 6th grade. she begrudgingly came to a birthday party i had once. she only wanted to be friends when no one else was around and once told me we would play a game where she would be mean to me in front of other people and only be nice to me when we were alone. when she wrote, she had a problem forming sentences and words would always run together with out any spaces. itwaskindalikethisbutinhandwriting. her name was amanda mchenry. her mother was a nurse. she lived in a big house and had really thick dark brown hair. she always had the best pencils with the crazy erasers and trapper keepers and hostess cupcake for lunch. i added her as a friend and she sent me a message saying "do i know you? your name kinda rings a bell."

make something seem like it's what you want for me, when it's really what you want for yourself. you don't even know you're doing it. i'm always in opposition with myself. one day everything is ok. the next day i want to erase myself. curse of the gemini i guess. i don't want other people to suffer in order to get ahead. i also don't want to be left behind. everyone eventually just ends up in the same category...in the trashcan of my mind.

i had a dream last night. it doesn't matter though. you're like a ghost that's haunting these streets, but you're always a few steps ahead of me. and i know you're there, but i can't reach you. it's maybe more like i'm haunting you, but you can't sense my footsteps behind you. maybe our lines are no longer crossed, we're just stretched out to oblivion in two thin straight lines that never intersect again. maybe that means i'll always be looking at you from the other side of the street.

full moon

i went outside tonight and felt the air. everything was wet, but i don't think it had rained. i felt alone, but i saw strange things and i heard bugs crawling under leaves again. i read an aleister crowley poem, lit a candle, and went out. now i'm back, and i feel more empty than before i left. but, that's the point, isn't it?