love will save you
but it won't save
me

no more mama's boys. no more assuming the best. no more cages. no more tattoo groupies. no more relying on anyone. this is the year of fuck it. this is the year of accepting ourselves and others without pretense, delusion, or misguided expectations. self destruction in moderation and without regret. i feel like myself again. the highs are better and the lows are lower but i'm still finding middle ground and it's no longer stagnant like a reservoir full of mosquito eggs. it's more like an ocean now. ebb and flow, the moon is always pulling at me because she doesn't hold grudges.

self loathing is overrated but...

i am a pretty terrible person. someone told me once, after touching a quartz crystal of mine, that i was twisted up inside and i don't want to change. and maybe it's true. i take comfort in pain. i turn the hearts of anyone close to me into ice. my psyche looms like a drought sometimes, turning the soil barren and picking every last shriveled leaf off the trees. i don't know what i'm looking for. i'm pretty sure if i found it, i'd just crush it in my hand and continue searching.

whenever i hold a wine glass, i want to squeeze it until it shatters in my hand.

farther than everything

cold flower heads are raining over my heart

black moon

out, out brief candle, life is but a walking shadow.

ok. ok. so. my fourth day without a cigarette has come to an end. it might seem lame, but to someone who smoked two packs a day on occasion, and always at least one...it's kind of a thing. i miss it, but i don't. i'm really more into werthers originals now. i think that means i'm old. i think that means i have to switch to rye bread. whatever. jenny and i are daring each other to do bikram yoga everyday for 30 days, starting friday. tomorrow morning we're going to the tannnnnning boooooth to get psyched. just because. it's nice to be warm. and to synthesize that vitamin d. winter is coming. i mean, actually....it's here. solstice right now. i'm gonna go ask my pendulum if everything is ok. ok.