black moon

out, out brief candle, life is but a walking shadow.

ok. ok. so. my fourth day without a cigarette has come to an end. it might seem lame, but to someone who smoked two packs a day on occasion, and always at least one...it's kind of a thing. i miss it, but i don't. i'm really more into werthers originals now. i think that means i'm old. i think that means i have to switch to rye bread. whatever. jenny and i are daring each other to do bikram yoga everyday for 30 days, starting friday. tomorrow morning we're going to the tannnnnning boooooth to get psyched. just because. it's nice to be warm. and to synthesize that vitamin d. winter is coming. i mean, actually....it's here. solstice right now. i'm gonna go ask my pendulum if everything is ok. ok.

never talking to you again

today we had a home visit from new life boxer rescue so we can hopefully adopt this guy. also, it snowed today. gross.

was at karaoke at asylum this one night a few weeks ago and i saw people and wished i knew them. not in that sort of way where you think someone is intriguing and you want to know them way, but like, i wished i really knew them. like, in a way that would make you hate them. but still love them. like. i imagined that asylum was a middle school and we were all at a lock in. the walls looked like lockers. i don't know. i wish there was someone i'd known since birth. there's something special about that, you know, growing up with someone. even if you don't speak anymore, there's some weird understanding there. i've never felt that. i moved around too much. i never see someone and then say "oh man, this one time, when she was young....we like, made home videos of our first attempts at french kissing." or like "when we were younger, we used to sneak into peoples' houses when they were on vacation and smell all their perfumes" i know no one like that. i'm not a common thread in anyone's past. i'm just barely hanging in the present. i'm no one's constant.

this one time, when i still had Facebook...i found a girl i went to school with from 3rd to 6th grade. she begrudgingly came to a birthday party i had once. she only wanted to be friends when no one else was around and once told me we would play a game where she would be mean to me in front of other people and only be nice to me when we were alone. when she wrote, she had a problem forming sentences and words would always run together with out any spaces. itwaskindalikethisbutinhandwriting. her name was amanda mchenry. her mother was a nurse. she lived in a big house and had really thick dark brown hair. she always had the best pencils with the crazy erasers and trapper keepers and hostess cupcake for lunch. i added her as a friend and she sent me a message saying "do i know you? your name kinda rings a bell."

make something seem like it's what you want for me, when it's really what you want for yourself. you don't even know you're doing it. i'm always in opposition with myself. one day everything is ok. the next day i want to erase myself. curse of the gemini i guess. i don't want other people to suffer in order to get ahead. i also don't want to be left behind. everyone eventually just ends up in the same category...in the trashcan of my mind.

i had a dream last night. it doesn't matter though. you're like a ghost that's haunting these streets, but you're always a few steps ahead of me. and i know you're there, but i can't reach you. it's maybe more like i'm haunting you, but you can't sense my footsteps behind you. maybe our lines are no longer crossed, we're just stretched out to oblivion in two thin straight lines that never intersect again. maybe that means i'll always be looking at you from the other side of the street.

full moon

i went outside tonight and felt the air. everything was wet, but i don't think it had rained. i felt alone, but i saw strange things and i heard bugs crawling under leaves again. i read an aleister crowley poem, lit a candle, and went out. now i'm back, and i feel more empty than before i left. but, that's the point, isn't it?

eighteen white horses who will not ever come to me

don't break me no more, love.
i'm already tame.

"Generosity is nothing else than a craze to possess. All which I abandon, all which I give, I enjoy in a higher manner through the fact that I give it away. To give is to enjoy possessively the object which one gives. "
-sartre

as i start to get older, i become more and more aware of the fact that i won't always be able to walk around in the clothes i wear now. i spent quite a bit of time considering how i want to look when i get older. stevie is the answer...not only to that question, but to most questions.

nothing ever surprises me. i can always predict the outcome of everything, relationships and encounters. i could have written the story of my life from start to finish on the day i was born. i wish, just once, i could be blown away by how something turns out. i'm not saying that good things don't happen. i'm just saying that even good things are tarnished when you can see them coming. and the bad ones too. impervious, unconcerned, unimpressed, unresponsive, unstirred, untouched, indifferent.

timing is of importance above most all other things. i'm trying more and more to rely on its jurisdiction over all matters. whether the underlying current be divine or coincidence...makes no difference to me. nothing brings me more satisfaction than something just happening because i happened to do things in a certain order at a certain time with no real clues as to the result of my actions, premonitions notwithstanding. i'm trying to find a beauty in the organic and natural order of stuff. yea. i said "stuff".

I drew you pictures of my pain.
They were so pretty.
They were so vain.



a lot of people consider bivouac to be one of jawbreaker's worst albums. i think it's alright. and i've always loved this song. sure, they have better songs, but they have worse ones too. it's indulgent. like most jawbreaker songs.

tonight i asked a girl i work with if i could photograph her in her underwear. she seemed confused and said "for what? ...like, art or something". and i said "yea, art....or something".

an old bike in front of the barn near the house i used to live in. some old blacktop over the earth where i once saw a snake coiled, moving slowly and deliberately but with little effort. lying awake at night hoping to awake to the sound of feral puppies crying underneath the floorboards, their mother killed in some tragic accident. reaching, scared, needing and not knowing how to take. old houses breathe around you. my father once expressed the utmost disgust for people who try to install insulation in old houses. "they can't breathe anymore if you do that" he'd say. my parents' house has this room that's always been called "the no-no room" for as long as the house has been in our family (must be something like 100 years by now). I'm assuming it was once a formal dining room where no children were to be caught. at this point it's just filled with memories no one has time to organize. there's an old piano in there that doesn't fit out the door. i think my grandmother said they had to break a wall down to get it in there. i think i consider it the heart of the house, but i don't know anymore.

it makes me crazy to think of the people i've shared little parts of myself with. i want to take it all back. i want to gather up all those things i've given away and bury them in the woods with voodoo dolls. everything seems to be on someone else's terms. people make you do things and make it seem like it was your own idea. that's the skill of manipulation in practice. a person can only take so many derailments before she jumps off the train for good. pretending to be selfless is even more unappealing than being openly selfish; even animals know they have to take what they want.

internet harvestings.

"Daisy put her arm through his abruptly, but he seemed absorbed in what he had just said. Possibly it had occurred to him that the colossal significance of that light had now vanished forever. Compared to the great distance that had separated him from Daisy it had seemed very near to her, almost touching her. It had seemed as close as a star to the moon. Now it was again a green light on a dock. His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one."

the saddest thing about the first day of summer is that it's the longest day of the year. which only means that everything is all downhill from here.

dawgs

adam's friend dan recently adopted an italian greyhound named oliver, he's the grey one. he's very shy and egypt is the opposite. after an hour in this field, he had finally gained the courage to play with her and they were chasing each other around. then oliver ran off to pee. once he had finished watering the grass he took off running towards egypt, and she towards him. normally when something like that happens, it's like playing chicken, and one of the dogs always folds and darts out of the way of the other. this was not one of those times. these two hellions collided going about 20mph. it left them both stunned and reeling. their pride never really recovered. but. it was really entertaining.

i really like this, in a totally non ironic way.

harmony korine joint.

yea. i listen to this sometimes.

ok. but seriously. this is the best soap i have ever used. not just dr bronners, but specifically the tea tree oil. i was always a little weary of it because it smells like an oil painting. the scent doesn't stay on your skin though. the peppermint kind is ok...but it makes my skin all dry and feels weird when i wash my pika and my chu. tea tree oil is where it's at. it will change your life. and that's a fact.

i fall asleep most easily when other people are still awake. i'm more at ease to close my eyes with loud people in the next (or same) room than in a dark silence. if i'm sharing a bed with someone, i'm always the last to fall asleep, and it's excruciating. the late hour of a darkened night with the knowledge of so many people i know and have known sleeping soundly brings no solace or peace to my mind, it haunts me like a dream i can't find.

i really wish i could find sleep that doesn't make me feel like i'm just wasting time that could be better spent. speaking of time, it takes so much of it to make a friend. the people i feel closest to are people i've lost and then found again in one way or another. it's like, you burn a bridge and then somehow find a way back across it...maybe it's been rebuilt or like, or maybe there's just enough of it left that you might be able to make it without falling, but you know, maybe you end up taking the long way (through the valley or some shit). sometimes you remember why you burned that stupid thing down in the first place, but other times you're glad to be back and it feels more real than the first time you were there. or maybe i'm just a sucker.

we wave sometimes to pretend that nothing is changing

he's blowing kisses
she's making fists
he's sinking boats
it's sinking in
she knows that things are changing

i never once heard you say "i need you", "i don't need you"

the part of this song that has always slayed me is the slight pause when he says "baby", and at one point he almost just says "babe..." but you can almost hear the implied "y" at the end. i mean, i guess i don't have to explain to anyone why a leonard cohen song is good, but whatever. he apparently wrote this about janis joplin...and how she gave him head.

unchained.

L.L. Bean Signature

adam, zach, and i went to L.L. Bean at 2am last night. The signature line is sooooo wearable right now. So, search your parents' basements for old camel packs, monogrammed bookbags, or last years' bean boots and trade them in for some fresh shit...you can always trade it back later! Or i guess you could just support L.L. Bean and give them cash. adam even made a purchase:

and i'm totally planning on going back to get this top:

friday nightssss